Tis the season for Family Dysfunction....

All my life I have known that my genealogy isn't exactly a shining portrait of a what a family tree could be. There are a few worms and bad apples, a branch that doesn't exactly extend the direction it should, one that is broken or another that is a tad weak. One thing I have always been sure of is that in my family even the ones that might insult their sister, cousin or mother would be the first to throw down if anyone else spoke ill of the same people. There is a sense of being there for each other, even if it seems a tad skewed vision to most.

Take my sister and I, we could have a battle of the words to make some think WW3 is around the corner, we know we are STILL family. I could call her five minutes later and all I would have to say is, "I need you" and she would be there. There is no doubt, no question and most of all no guilt.

When I see families that act as if their family members do not exist, or they do not care. I am deeply troubled by their lack of empathy, concern and general care for another human being, let alone their blood relation. Most disturbing has be bearing witness to some holding their offspring hostage as a way to further drive the point home, you are beneath me, beneath my children and you will not be allowed to have a bond with them or even know the smallest detail of their lives. 

Why is a disagreement cause for uncompromising guilt, blame, justification of behavior or total relinquishment of family ties? Sure, the dictionary result for "family" is, "parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not". However, My heart has a different definition of family. I know I can not convince others to just shrug off years of dysfunction they were brought up around and ignore everything they taught themselves for self preservation, but I wish they could learn to let go, open up and see that they do have "time" for family. Yes, family may have some drama, but when you learn to love each other for who you really are, realize no one will be exactly what you WANT them to be, but they can be exactly what you NEED them to be, you will see what you can be missing out on and what will fill your heart with joy, create memories that will last a lifetime, and show your children how to break the cycle.

You can not break the cycle of dysfunction by simply ceasing contact with family, This really only perpetuates the cycle in a different degree. It is easy to find fault in other, to blame someone else for why things are the way they are. It is rather difficult to look in the mirror and take responsibility for our part in things we don't see in a postive light. That is the true step of healing.

Acceptance, tolerance, forgiveness, compassion, empathy, pride, comfort, generousity, joy, trust, loyalty, happiness, togetherness, patience, caring, fun, laughter, interest, discovery, and of course LOVE. This should be the definition for family.

I am saddened by how many FaceBook and MySpace statuses seem to mention family drama at a time when we should all be making family our focus. Never forget that where you came from helped shape who you are today.

Planning a party

So, I am starting work on my parent's 25th wedding anniversary party. I am very excited. I wish I could be a party planner. I love throwing parties and decorating. It is also nice when its someone else's money you get to spend and not your own! :) I am trying to figure out if it would be lame to have an Elivs impersonator come for an hour during the party?! I know my mom would love it, I think my dad would too. Just not sure if it is 25th Anniversary appropriate?

Thoughts?

Change of pace

I really decided that I am ready to change gears. I am not a witty writer by any stretch of the imagination, and I lead a really boring life, but blogging might help me keep the sanity that is slowing creeping away from me! ;)

We have started our fall cleaning today. It is 71* in IOWA, in November! WTF? It is hotter than hell in the house while we are cleaning and my procrastinating nature or adult ADD, whatever I have, is keeping me from putting full effort into my jobs! Joe has power washed the siding and is going to go full force in Raeleigh and Caleb's room.

I cleaned the windows and even the tracks to the windows! Found some moss growing so I guess that means I need to be cleaning it more often!? I washed the walls where you could see little tiny fingerprints. It made me think of that poem for mom's. Where it says that those little fingerprints won't always be there, because the babies will grow up one day. I tried telling Joe that, and suggested we just leave them. You know, for memories. Yeah, he didn't really agree with me. Men, they just aren't that sentimental, I guess.

I cleaned the carpet a couple of days ago, and I am still trying to climb Mt. Laundry. I swear it is like that part in Fantasia where the little brooms splinter and make a bunch of new brooms. My laundry mates in piles. I also can't figure out how I keep finding swimsuits and dance outfits in the dirty clothes. The girls have been out of dance for two years and we haven't gone swimming in three months. Hmmm...

Well I can not put off helping out and doing my own chores any longer. I am off here to go help my husband.

Delay..

Hey all..Sorry for the delay in posting. I have been struggling with the idea of trying to keep on this subject or trying to find a new subject. I really think that we can get the word out, and I am very much Pro- Co- Parenting. (Is that a word? If not, it should be!)

So, I have a great relationship with my ex, but we are about to go toe to toe soon. Our daughter is 13, she is 5'6", and about 115 pounds. ALL LEG. She hasn't even hit "puberty" yet, so she is still growing. I have a very strict set of rules, that ex and I came up with together when DD was still a bun in my oven! We said that at 14, ONCE in awhile she could go to a movie or other public event with a boy IF parents were there. She can not car date alone with boys until she is 16.

Ex had a son when we got together. He will be 16 next month. My girls are very close to him and he comes to all their activities. Well...what happens when you have a 15 YO Boy and a 13 YO Girl? They like each other's friends.

I have always been the type to keep my nose out of what my ex does on his time, and he generally calls and asks my opinion if DD asks to go and do something. We always work together.

A couple of months ago I found out that his son was having his friends come over and stay on the weekends the girls were there. My DD was having her friends come over too. When my ex and his fiance went to bed, they were staying up till 4 AM playing Truth or Dare, or Spin the Bottle. Now, let me make that clear, Brother and sister aren't doing anything weird..(in case that reads wrong) they are inviting friends over for each other.

So I told my ex what was happening after he went to bed and he was livid. I was happy that we were on the same page. He said NEVER again. The next weekend my 7 YO calls and says, "Mommy, Sissy is asleep on the couch with JOHN". (Her brothers friend and her new "bf"). I said, "Where is your dad?" she said, "At work", I said "Where is Kim?" (dad's fiance) She said, "In her room". I called the ex and he was mad, I told him I was picking the girls up, he said he was calling his fiance to yell at her. I get there to pick up the girls and the fiance says, "They were sitting up, and I was just watching TV in my room so I could watch what I wanted to watch". I don't care! I am not leaving my 13 YO daughter to snuggle with a 16 YO boy!

So...This is getting really long, sorry. But he tells me that his son isn't going to be allowed to bring friends over when the girls are there and DD can't have friends over, we come up with a plan. He calls me this week (they are there for summer visit) and says that DD and her brother are up at BIKE NIGHT walking around. WTF? Seriously? If you aren't into motorcycles, or drinking beer, you have NO BUSINESS up there walking around. After I threw a fit, he said he was going to go pick them up and bring them home.

TWO DAYS LATER...I get a text that says, "She wants to go to the movies with her brother and her friend" and after questioning them all more, this is what I find out. DD has invited a friend over for the weekend, who just happens to be her brother's new GF, Her brother has a friend over that just happens to be snuggle boy from the couch and they want to go to the movies.

I ended up losing my cool and yelling into the phone, when she gets knocked up, YOU are raising the baby!...Not my brightest moment, but come on!! We are the parents, why is it so hard to do the right thing? Why is he giving in every time I turn around.

I am trying so hard to be diplomatic about it all, but really I just can not figure out how to get through to him. Anyone with teen girls, please feel free to leave a comment and tell me your thoughts. I don't want to be a nag on his time, but I have to butt in when it comes to my daughter's moral ground.

So, if you read it all, THANK YOU...and if you have advice, or a comment...Please let me know.

I am back...

Ok...so I took a little break...and now I am back..

New issue at hand..My husband's relationship with his ex.. Ok, this is SO not a new issue, but you know what I mean...I am not sure where to start.

They had only dated for a few months when she got pregnant. They broke up by the time she was 3 months along. Joe was there from Day ONE. Never missed a visit, never missed a child support payment, and was always asking for extra time. Yet, she treated him like a stranger that had no claims or rights to his own child. She acted as if he were a dead beat dad, and even had Little Man calling her Boyfriend Daddy, but he called my husband, JOE. We began to feel that LM was being treated like a piece of property, a claim she had staked, "because she is the mom". My husband got zero consideration in the day to day life of his own flesh and blood. He and I got together when Little Man was 2, so for 5 years now, this has been a battlefield.

It became a constant struggle to do "what is right", and to do what was best for Little Man. Non-stop threats of court, calling the police, and even once the DHS, really wore on our family. We got constant calls every single Monday with questions about every single mark on his body, or complaints of something bad he had either said or done, and it was blamed on my daughters. Non Stop demands of how to parent in our house and how to spend time with him on OUR time and even where he should sleep and what days he should bathe. I started to build up a lot of resentment. I didn't even want to be in the same room as him on the weekends he was here.

Nasty emails and phone calls exchanged, the pick up and drop offs were excruciating because neither would get out of their cars to speak to each other. We started seeing Little Man faking illness and injury to the point he went to the ER with a "Phantom" illness, just to get attention from all four parents that rushed to be by his side. Joe and I started to realize how badly he was being affected by all that went on around him, when he said he faked tummy aches because it made him feel happy when everyone stopped fighting. Ugh, that was a huge parental FAIL on our parts.

LM's Mom showed all the classic signs of dishing out "severe alienation " on the PSA scale. We printed off copies and highlighted suggestions we could ALL do to help the situation. She threw them out the window and let them scatter in the wind, laughing the whole time. It felt as though there would be NO end in sight and we had the rest of our lives to deal with the misery.

Finally my friend suggested inviting her to a concert. I did, thinking, She will never say YES, I am sure! UH OH...she said YES...I had a panic attack for a second thinking I was going to have a miserable night and she would 3rd degree me to get some info out of me that she could use against us in court...Then I smacked myself mentally, and decided that only I controlled how I let her affect me. If I wanted to have a good time, I would have a good time. So, we went, and had a great time. We talked, and figured out that she and Joe just do not know each other, and they both are stubborn, so they assume the other is out to get them and neither is going to blink first. It is a vicious cycle that LM is put in the middle of.

The following Friday, she invited us to her house with all the kids to a pizza party. It was a little uneasy at first, then we relaxed and everyone started to laugh and just enjoy it. There is still that part of me that is waiting for the other shoe to fall and I wonder what will happen the next time she asks a favor and we say No, or if Joe asks for extra time and she will not allow it, but I can't continue to live that way, I need to be open minded and continue to hope for the best. I am sure she is just as leery as we are, and I HOPE she is just as hopeful as we are that we can repair and move on for the sake of LM.

Maybe I live in a fantasy world, but I really do believe that if you were close enough with someone at one point to make a child with them, they can't be all bad (in most cases) and if it weren't for them, we wouldn't have these amazing little creatures that hold our hearts so tight. So we should be thankful for the gift they gave us, and work to get along. It will only mean happiness for our children.

On a break...

It is Monday and I had a very busy weekend, so I will not be back on until later to come up with the topic that I hope to discuss today...
I am thinking of totally revamping my idea of bloggity blog...because no one has really latched on to the idea of getting along with the ex...lmao...

Do Unto Others..

I was trying to think of the best topic to discuss today. I asked my husband where I should start. I decided to start with the Golden Rule, Do Unto Others. This is the hardest lesson to learn when you are no longer with the person you have children with.

I remember calling my sister and bitching up a storm because my girls came home one Sunday, they hadn't changed their clothes since FRIDAY, hadn't brushed their hair or teeth and hadn't had a bath. I was livid, and of course I told off the ex in a voicemail since he wouldn't pick up the phone. She said to me, "So what?", and I thought she had surely flipped her lid.

"So what? Its disgusting, that's what". She said, "Its not going to kill them", I was still in shock. I mean, come on, this is my sissy, she is supposed to agree with everything and hate the same assholes I hate and she is saying, "Let it go??" HUH?

"Did they have fun?" She asked. "Yes", was my reply. "Did he abuse them?". Sigh..."Of course not". "Yes, its gross, but you are talking FOUR days a month, you have the other 20-some days, its not going to kill them". Hmm...OK, maybe she has a point..

I met my ex when I was 17 years old, so I have known him for 17 years. (ugh, I am old) When we were married, I never thought twice about leaving the girls with him while I went to work, or out shopping, or on a girls night. He was perfectly able to care for their needs and he loves them just as much as I do. I knew he wouldn't let anything bad happen to them. Again, it was all about control.

Watching my husband struggle to find that respect with his son's mother, made me push even harder to try and be a better person, better mother and better friend to my ex. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have my girls, and I did love him at one point. He isn't a monster, he is their dad.

**Disclaimer**I plan to write another blog soon about how to deal with an ex that has mental health issues, drinking or drug addiction, or is abusive, or just a plain old dead beat that doesn't ever come around. I am not advocating here that you should just love 'em no matter what.

I am simply saying, if your ex was a good, or even just an OK dad when you were together, don't cut him out just because you aren't with him anymore. Even if you really want to, you can not pretend they don't exist and start a new family with someone else and leave them behind if they want to be involved.

You have to remember to always love your children more than you hate your ex. The best thing you can do for your children is care for and respect their other parent.

I heard my daughter talking to a friend of hers awhile ago. The friend was sad that her parent's were divorced and fighting, my daughter said, "My Mom and Dad got a divorce so they could be friends". Wow, there was so much wisdom in that little sentence. I was very proud of myself for getting over "myself" and putting the children first. I have seen a huge difference in them, and really, who else besides you will totally appreciate all their achievements the same as you? The other parent.

Are there any topics you would like to see me touch on? I am still getting the feel for this, and how I am trying to get my story out there. So, please feel free to give me feedback, I would appreciate it.