I am back...

Ok...so I took a little break...and now I am back..

New issue at hand..My husband's relationship with his ex.. Ok, this is SO not a new issue, but you know what I mean...I am not sure where to start.

They had only dated for a few months when she got pregnant. They broke up by the time she was 3 months along. Joe was there from Day ONE. Never missed a visit, never missed a child support payment, and was always asking for extra time. Yet, she treated him like a stranger that had no claims or rights to his own child. She acted as if he were a dead beat dad, and even had Little Man calling her Boyfriend Daddy, but he called my husband, JOE. We began to feel that LM was being treated like a piece of property, a claim she had staked, "because she is the mom". My husband got zero consideration in the day to day life of his own flesh and blood. He and I got together when Little Man was 2, so for 5 years now, this has been a battlefield.

It became a constant struggle to do "what is right", and to do what was best for Little Man. Non-stop threats of court, calling the police, and even once the DHS, really wore on our family. We got constant calls every single Monday with questions about every single mark on his body, or complaints of something bad he had either said or done, and it was blamed on my daughters. Non Stop demands of how to parent in our house and how to spend time with him on OUR time and even where he should sleep and what days he should bathe. I started to build up a lot of resentment. I didn't even want to be in the same room as him on the weekends he was here.

Nasty emails and phone calls exchanged, the pick up and drop offs were excruciating because neither would get out of their cars to speak to each other. We started seeing Little Man faking illness and injury to the point he went to the ER with a "Phantom" illness, just to get attention from all four parents that rushed to be by his side. Joe and I started to realize how badly he was being affected by all that went on around him, when he said he faked tummy aches because it made him feel happy when everyone stopped fighting. Ugh, that was a huge parental FAIL on our parts.

LM's Mom showed all the classic signs of dishing out "severe alienation " on the PSA scale. We printed off copies and highlighted suggestions we could ALL do to help the situation. She threw them out the window and let them scatter in the wind, laughing the whole time. It felt as though there would be NO end in sight and we had the rest of our lives to deal with the misery.

Finally my friend suggested inviting her to a concert. I did, thinking, She will never say YES, I am sure! UH OH...she said YES...I had a panic attack for a second thinking I was going to have a miserable night and she would 3rd degree me to get some info out of me that she could use against us in court...Then I smacked myself mentally, and decided that only I controlled how I let her affect me. If I wanted to have a good time, I would have a good time. So, we went, and had a great time. We talked, and figured out that she and Joe just do not know each other, and they both are stubborn, so they assume the other is out to get them and neither is going to blink first. It is a vicious cycle that LM is put in the middle of.

The following Friday, she invited us to her house with all the kids to a pizza party. It was a little uneasy at first, then we relaxed and everyone started to laugh and just enjoy it. There is still that part of me that is waiting for the other shoe to fall and I wonder what will happen the next time she asks a favor and we say No, or if Joe asks for extra time and she will not allow it, but I can't continue to live that way, I need to be open minded and continue to hope for the best. I am sure she is just as leery as we are, and I HOPE she is just as hopeful as we are that we can repair and move on for the sake of LM.

Maybe I live in a fantasy world, but I really do believe that if you were close enough with someone at one point to make a child with them, they can't be all bad (in most cases) and if it weren't for them, we wouldn't have these amazing little creatures that hold our hearts so tight. So we should be thankful for the gift they gave us, and work to get along. It will only mean happiness for our children.

On a break...

It is Monday and I had a very busy weekend, so I will not be back on until later to come up with the topic that I hope to discuss today...
I am thinking of totally revamping my idea of bloggity blog...because no one has really latched on to the idea of getting along with the ex...lmao...

Do Unto Others..

I was trying to think of the best topic to discuss today. I asked my husband where I should start. I decided to start with the Golden Rule, Do Unto Others. This is the hardest lesson to learn when you are no longer with the person you have children with.

I remember calling my sister and bitching up a storm because my girls came home one Sunday, they hadn't changed their clothes since FRIDAY, hadn't brushed their hair or teeth and hadn't had a bath. I was livid, and of course I told off the ex in a voicemail since he wouldn't pick up the phone. She said to me, "So what?", and I thought she had surely flipped her lid.

"So what? Its disgusting, that's what". She said, "Its not going to kill them", I was still in shock. I mean, come on, this is my sissy, she is supposed to agree with everything and hate the same assholes I hate and she is saying, "Let it go??" HUH?

"Did they have fun?" She asked. "Yes", was my reply. "Did he abuse them?". Sigh..."Of course not". "Yes, its gross, but you are talking FOUR days a month, you have the other 20-some days, its not going to kill them". Hmm...OK, maybe she has a point..

I met my ex when I was 17 years old, so I have known him for 17 years. (ugh, I am old) When we were married, I never thought twice about leaving the girls with him while I went to work, or out shopping, or on a girls night. He was perfectly able to care for their needs and he loves them just as much as I do. I knew he wouldn't let anything bad happen to them. Again, it was all about control.

Watching my husband struggle to find that respect with his son's mother, made me push even harder to try and be a better person, better mother and better friend to my ex. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have my girls, and I did love him at one point. He isn't a monster, he is their dad.

**Disclaimer**I plan to write another blog soon about how to deal with an ex that has mental health issues, drinking or drug addiction, or is abusive, or just a plain old dead beat that doesn't ever come around. I am not advocating here that you should just love 'em no matter what.

I am simply saying, if your ex was a good, or even just an OK dad when you were together, don't cut him out just because you aren't with him anymore. Even if you really want to, you can not pretend they don't exist and start a new family with someone else and leave them behind if they want to be involved.

You have to remember to always love your children more than you hate your ex. The best thing you can do for your children is care for and respect their other parent.

I heard my daughter talking to a friend of hers awhile ago. The friend was sad that her parent's were divorced and fighting, my daughter said, "My Mom and Dad got a divorce so they could be friends". Wow, there was so much wisdom in that little sentence. I was very proud of myself for getting over "myself" and putting the children first. I have seen a huge difference in them, and really, who else besides you will totally appreciate all their achievements the same as you? The other parent.

Are there any topics you would like to see me touch on? I am still getting the feel for this, and how I am trying to get my story out there. So, please feel free to give me feedback, I would appreciate it.

Welcome...

So I have been blogging on MySpace for quite some time. I decided to join the world of blog spot. I have often thought that I would like to share my experiences and lessons learned as a child of divorce, a step mom, and a divorced woman that sends her children off to the ex every other weekend. I have learned so much and grown as a woman, and I feel I have finally come CLOSE to having some sort of a handle on doing the right thing and being able to put the children first. I want to tell you the back story and then I will begin posting blogs routinely about certain events, and instances, and what I learned from them. I will also post about how parents can learn to let go of the anger and put their children first.

When my ex and I split, I was angry, bitter and wanted to keep the control I had for so many years during our marriage. Not just of the children but of HIM as well. I would ask my daughters what they did on their weekends, and if ANYTHING seemed to not fit my idea of perfect, he got an earful. Countless girlfriends came and went, and my children met them all. I ranted and raved, and he quit attending the children's activities and rarely answered my calls.

Fast forward a year....I met the man of my dreams, my amazing soul mate that treated me so good, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. He had a great son...who was 5 months younger than my youngest daughter and they got along great. His baggage? An ex that was even more controlling than I was on my worst day. She called non stop, questioned every tiny red mark on the boy when he went home, and generally made our lives hell...I began to see things from a Dad's point of view and decided I should try to repair my relationship with my ex as co parents for the sake of our daughters.

I remember clear as a bell the day the reality came crashing down on me the amount of damage parents can truly inflict on their children by being bitter, and how it affects them well into adulthood.

We were working on our programs for our wedding. When it came time to list the parents, my husband started getting nervous. He said he knew if he put his mom and step dad first, his dad and step mom would be offended and vice versa. I was floored. Then it came to seating the parents, his parents could not share a row, but who do they put in the front row, and who gets the second row? One set of parents would get their feelings hurt. Now on the other hand, my Mom and Dad divorced over 20 years ago, I am very close to my Dad and my step dad. They never put us in the middle and I never worried about ALL of my parents being in the same room. Watching the obvious pain and torment on my husband's face, broke my heart. I realized that could very well be OUR children if we didn't shape up. So, it has been an ongoing crusade for Father's Rights, Avoiding Parental Alienation Syndrome and just plain, put the children first and do what is in their best interest, not the parent's.

I hope I can get other's input of their situations. I have a sister that is a License Social Worker, if you have any questions, or need advice. If you just need to vent, or being given another side to consider. My goal is to help the children of split and blended families feel secure, loved and to never be used as pawns.

Thanks for reading....I look forward to hearing your thoughts, comments and questions...

Stacy
js8605